I haven’t been writing for quite a while. I got caught up with “life” and forgot to live for a couple of years. Funny how when I wrote that line I instantly wanted to give a list of “good reasons” why I hadn’t been writing. My health, my mother’s fatal illness and death a mere two months later, two more deaths within 60 days, the cloud of grief that I was immersed in… the pain that wouldn’t go away no matter what I took, read, or did.
But mainly I was codependent to a man who’s addiction is negativity and being a victim. No matter what I did for him, no matter how hard I worked, what I contributed, what I went through personally, he was an emotional vacuum that sucked everything out of me.
So I was pleasantly surprised when he urged me to take a week and go to California to visit family & friends. He said I needed a break, had been working so hard, had a rough year, etc. Hmmmmm…. I wondered if MAYBE he was turning a corner. Maybe he was starting to understand and realize what I put into our marriage… what I put into life.
I went to California and got sick on my second day there through my sixth day there. REALLY SICK. I hadn’t been that sick in quite a while and thought it was so strange and totally sucked. I didn’t get to see so many of the people I wanted to, but on the upside I had time to reflect, read, and write. I was going back to Arizona with a new perspective on things and I was excited.
Imagine my surprise when two days later, on Easter Eve, my husband came into the bedroom and told me he wanted a divorce. Just like that. No soothing me before the shock of his words, no buildup… NOTHING. After he said it, I was waiting for him to start laughing at his stupid and strange joke. He didn’t laugh.
Instantly I asked, “So who is she? Obviously you have met someone.” He had. I will save you the wordy lies he told me to minimize what he had done, and my subsequent finding out about all the lies. What did I expect? He always treated me like a piece of worthless dog shit… why should he be any different when he fessed up to an affair two months after it started?
The trip to California? That was to get me out of the house so they could sleep together for five days straight and play house. And that is one of the nice things I have to report.
I’m not a hard person to figure out. I mean, I actually TELL people what I want and need in my life. He was no exception. I spelled it out for him – - I even remember the year – - 2008. I asked for – are you ready for it? – TEN MINUTES a day with him. Yes, 10 minutes a day. THAT was what I asked for… I figured it would be easy to give me 10 minutes a day so we could talk, cuddle, or just sit together. And you know what, I NEVER ONCE GOT IT. Not ONCE did I get 10 minutes from my husband.
I set the bar so low, thinking it would be impossible for him to refuse, and he still managed to find a way to.
All I know is I would NEVER have done this to him… EVER. I would never have been able to even leave him because I would be wracked with guilt over so many things. The bills, the animals, our promises to each other.
After my mom died, my heart formed shell around it… that pain was so heavy and harsh. When my husband picked a fight with me the day before her memorial service, then didn’t GO to her memorial service, my heart locked up to avoid any more pain. I couldn’t bear another drop of it.
Only upon looking back did I realize the day before her service was Valentine’s Day and he had started his flirtation with the other woman. It was like a kick in the stomach… we never fought and the fight was so insane and out of the blue… and now to know WHY we fought, it only memorializes the betrayal into the death of my mother.
The beauty of it all is that while I have pain and hurt, I know in my heart I always tried to do the right thing. I tried and tried to make things work. I cried alone… a select few people knew what I have been going through for the last few years. I am bankrupt in many ways. I have nothing left financially. My credit is destroyed. My ability to trust and love again is questionable.
But you know what? I am rich in what matters. I know who I am and I LOVE who I am. I try every day to be a great person. I try to make the world a better place every day I live on it. I try to make a positive difference in every person I interact with. I am a child of God and have a deep spiritual life. I am blessed with so many wonderful friends and family… people who REALLY are there for me in whatever way they can be. And I know I will make something really beautiful out of all of this pain… it will just take some time… like a lump of coal to a diamond.
I see now that he was REMOVED from my life in a way that would make it impossible for me to ever give him a second chance. That is a blessing. And he will always be him. And he will never again have me.